“Why do you always wear dresses? Don’t you wear pants, ever?” queried my grandmother, affectionately called “LaLa” by all of us grandchildren. My mother’s stepmother always liked nicely styled things, from hair cuts to earrings, so questioning my clothes was something I should have expected. “Well, mostly because of the modesty issue…” was my timid, automated reply. It was an answer I had given to countless other curious observers of all ages. Then something dawned on me. I had given this robotic answer to girls and women who were wearing pants, and I myself had pants buried somewhere in my drawers. As far back as I could remember, I never had anything against pants, but I always preferred dresses…
Flashback to the day I was accompanying my mother for grocery shopping when I was barely three years old. I had the Dutch boy haircut – the funny little bowl hair style that every toddler who lived during the late ’80s – early ’90s probably had at one time – and I was wearing pants or overalls. A man in the store mistook me for a boy, much to my dismay. For the rest of my childhood and girlhood years I wanted long flowing hair and dresses so as to never be mistaken for boy again. Silly sounding, isn’t it?
I took offense at being called a tomboy, although I really fit the description of one. I spent my days climbing trees and collecting dead animal skulls and pond creatures for specimens. But throughout it all, I insisted upon wearing a dress whenever possible. I’ve always loved the way skirts flow and swish about me when I walk. I even tried to play a game of football with my father and siblings while wearing a dress. My mother mostly wore pants, so I never actually wore dresses for “religious reasons.” But I did consider feminine piety – modesty – to be a bonus. It sounded like a very attractive reason to excuse my flair for dresses, so I didn’t mind using it.
But when a relative asked me what cult I was a member of, I suddenly realized that citing the modesty issue was backfiring. I wasn’t entirely sure why – I didn’t bother to question other girls’ style preferences, nor did I make a habit of judging them by it. But for some reason whenever I walked by in my floral print blouse and denim skirt, they thought I was making a holier-than-thou statement. When a boy asked why I wore 18th century clothes (and he probably meant 19th century), I was even more surprised. Though I love old-fashioned things, I don’t think I look like a reenactor on a daily basis! I’ll admit that I’m not much of a style expert. My younger sister Rachel selects clothes for me better than I do. But honestly, how hard is it to just look decent and nice unanimously without attracting dubious attention?
Firstly, we must pinpoint the cause of the controversy. Because of the Modesty Issue, girls’ clothing is subject to scrutiny that can be divided into roughly two crowds (not counting fashionistas and style experts): those who are worried about girls not being modest enough, and those who feel insecure and humiliated around girls who might be more modest than they are (or than the crowd they are used to hanging out with). Come to think of it, public nudity is against the law, so it shouldn’t be rocket science to figure out how to cover yourself properly. Practically speaking on that level, modesty is such a common sense thing that it shouldn’t be an issue (which could be said about a lot of things, actually). Yet for some odd reason women have been playing a game of limbo – seeing how low they can go – with modesty. The statement of a well known actress epitomizes this well:
“There’s this idea that if you take your clothes off, somehow you must have loose morals. There’s still a negative attitude in our society towards women who use a strength that’s inherent – their femininity – in any way that might be considered seductive.”
- Demi Moore
Before I get too far into this, I need to address Ms. Moore’s presuppositions of femininity. It is true that women have power, in a manner of speaking, that is often abused. Think of the crazy ladies in James Bond flicks and Proverbs 7, and you’ll know what I’m talking about. These are women that abuse and dishonor their female natures to overpower men and get what they want. Feminists think that this perversion of femininity is something to be bolstered in the minds of girls, because they want to carry out an agenda not of female equality, but of female supremacy. All “benefits” of abusing power are short lived and ultimately bring the perpetrators to ruin, and such is the case of the seductive women. From a completely rational perspective, I would like to ask Demi Moore: What on earth is a woman gaining by wasting away her “strength that’s inherent” on ads, the silver screen, and strutting about on a beach with barely anything on? If money is the answer, it sounds more to me like slavery than empowerment for a woman to be selling herself like that.
On the contrary, I was impressed by a review on Dannah Gresh’s book, Secret Keeper: The Delicate Power of Modesty featured in the Love to Learn catalog:
Young women want to dress in style, but with that desire comes a huge responsibility to use femininity to bring glory to God. Written in a hip, big-sister style, this very straight-forward Christian book gives much-needed insight on what guys actually think when confronted with immodesty. Understand the intriguing, alluring power source that God has entrusted to every young woman for the holy purpose of creating a family someday. Take the “Truth or Bare” fashion test to see if your clothes are truly modest. My teenage daughters wish every girl could read this eye-opening book.
That’s a far more reasonable take on femininity. I haven’t actually read that book yet, but it sounds good.
So, the likely reason why the Modesty Issue exists is due to women playing the limbo for either of two reasons: Seduction or Carelessness. Seduction has already been covered, and that usually isn’t the case with conservative Christian women. But what of carelessness? A review of Bathsheba’s inauspicious bathing episode on the roof in full view of King David is an accurate illustration (2 Samuel 11). She might not have meant any harm, but I’ve always wondered…what on earth she was thinking when she exposed herself like that? Surely she knew that some people might see her – and to be a block away from the king you would think she would have been more self-conscious! Though I’m in no position to judge for sure, I presume that the short answer to the question is: she wasn’t thinking. Most likely she was preoccupied with herself and thus the possible consequences slipped her mind. The weather was probably wonderful, and after all, surely taking a bath on the sunny rooftop isn’t a crime. Guys should just remember to avert their eyes when they walk by, right?
Ah, that sort of question is where the friction really starts. Guys must understand that from a girl’s perspective, it is a strange and somewhat uncomfortable thing to go from being a playful and carefree little girl to suddenly having a controversial womanly figure to deal with. The Modesty Debacle seems unfair and confusing at first, especially since we can’t fully comprehend the struggles that men face because we’re designed differently. But girls, let’s be honest (and thankful) – we have a LOT of freedom. We don’t have to live by a national dress code like the women in Iran do. Their President and Assembly of Experts set the dress laws, and women can be thrown in prison for wearing their pants tucked in their boots (considered immodest by radical Islamic standards). But our great freedom requires great responsibility. Modesty is not something to be legislated – or even to be taught, necessarily – it is something to be lived.
“If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.” – 1 Corinthians 13:1
I think that the Modesty Issue has in some cases become like a clanging cymbal. Modesty doesn’t need to be blared like a siren, but should be like a subtle whisper. It’s there, but shouldn’t draw attention to itself (ha, the very definition of the word!). Gabbing about the Modesty Issue constantly isn’t going to help our little brothers avoid looking at women in a bad way when they grow up. Treating modesty immodestly will only make it worse for them! We are to dress and conduct ourselves with love and respect. That includes not victimizing ourselves by underestimating men to the point that we treat them like walking lust machines. I think we do sometimes scrutinize ourselves and our clothing way more in depth than they do regardless. Last month when my siblings, friends and I were getting in costume for our Medieval movie project, I was convinced that my costume dress was too see-through, and would result in my modern clothing underneath showing up on camera. When I questioned, “Is this too see-through?”, 16-year-old Andrew gave the puzzled response, “Do you have X-ray eyes? ‘Cause I can’t see anything through that!”. “Yes, she has X-ray eyes,” my siblings confirmed, while I laughed at the sudden thought of Christian girls that have scrutinized their clothing so harshly they have practically made a religion out of it. Remember, modesty is not our savior, and we shouldn’t conduct ourselves as if we believe that. After all, Muslims have made a perverse ritual out of modesty as they have long kept their women shrouded in burqas, but that hasn’t guaranteed the minds of their men anymore pure than those from other cultures. If we reduce modesty to only a word and a system, the next thing we’ll have to put up with is girls singing, “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was modest like me?” Not a change of heart, but a change of word – as though modesty alone makes girls valuable!
“You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men.” – 1 Corinthians 7:23
How then should we dress? Imagine that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is coming over to visit. How would you dress in front of Him? Not like a female supremacist who trusts in her inherent power and puts her body up for sale, nor like a homely hag who feels so ashamed to be feminine that she swaddles herself in drapes. But how about like a princess whose pride and trust is not in herself, but in her King? Disney princess style isn’t what I’m thinking of…just looking dignified, like princesses on official duties dress today. Pretty, beautiful and gorgeous are not taboo words, by the way. Let’s just not dress in a way that intends to make ourselves the constant conversation piece. You can be lovely without being seductive.
Maybe I should replace that previous hypothetical scenario with reality. Jesus Christ is coming to visit. How will you be dressed for that Day, inwardly and outwardly?
I’ve learned to relax and accept the fact that don’t have to say I wear dresses “because of the Modesty Issue”. I wear dresses because I like them! It’s not a religious chore, I’m just feminine in that way, and there’s nothing wrong with it! If I wear a nice pair of jeans one day, I’m not “rebelling” against some sort of dress code. We can apply basic etiquette to our outfit choices based on occasion. I’ve noticed that after I’ve tweaked my wardrobe a bit in the past year, I haven’t received the funny questions anymore. I think our style should be unquestionable. We should look so nice that nobody bothers to question why we dress the way we do – rather, we should encourage others to dress well by example. After all, ladies’ clothing trends do not start by preaching and philosophizing. They start by impressed young girls saying, “Oh, I want to look like her!”.
“Purity Is:
Passionate dignity
Resolved with an
Intelligent
Courage to withstand ungodly influence while
Elegantly upholding our Christ given
Liberty and maintaining precious and sensible
Emotion as an adornment of our
Submission to The
Savior” -Amanda Read, written for Priceless Purity.
Written by Amanda Read. For more articles by Amanda, check out her site: AmandaRead.com
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Thank you for this wonderful post. I would never trade the freedom I have with that of Iran, but then we have to constantly remind ourselves to exercise our responsibility over the freedom given us. Especially us girls called to live for Him.
“You, my brothers [sisters], were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather serve one another in love.” -Galatians 5:13
Well done Amanda!
Thank you for your thoughts. I have been in puzzlement/frustration about this “Modesty Issue”. I love your writing style: very clear, precise, and challenging! Thank you,
Leahna
Thanks! I needed the part about drawing too much attention to the MI.
I also really want to say thank you for not telling us how to dress. I hate it when people try to shove their “dress code” down my throat. Asking what Jesus would think of of my outfit is much more effective than saying what you think of it. That’s a lesson I myself need to keep in mind…
Also from Paul’s letter to the Galatians, his admonishment:
“But now that you know God–or rather are known by God–how is it that you are turning back to those WEAK and MISERABLE PRINCIPLES? Do you wish to be ENSLAVED by them all over again?” ~ Galatians 4:9
“For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” ~ Galatians 5:6
Amanda, this is honestly the BEST blog I’ve ever read on this matter. It is a truly, CHRIST-centered perspective. As Christin A. posted above, our freedom-in-Christ does not justify abuse of freedom or apathy towards holy living. On the other hand, we must avoid a LAW-centered perspective on life that promotes judgmental, Pharasaical legalism rather than “faith expressing itself through love.”
I hope more brothers and sisters in Christ will apply such thinking to all things!
Thank you for such a thought-provoking post. I’ve never heard the modesty issue addressed quite like that, pointing out that we can be modest but be proud of our “modesty” at the same time. Very good point!
Great post, Amanda! You know, it’s funny; more often than not, we get asked questions like, “Are you going to a wedding?” Or comments like, “It’s so nice to see women dressing nicely these days.”
Once, while visiting the doctor’s office, our doctor smiled and said to me, “I remember when everyone “dressed up” to go to the doctor.” LOL I was wearing a denim skirt and my daughter was in her play clothes!
I think dressing in a lovely and feminine way communicates not only femininity, but respect, dignity, and joy.
Thank you again for sharing!
Interesting, thought provoking post.
I appreciate how you worded everything and how you weren’t like “This is how a Christian girl should dress!” The way you approached this was much more effective in getting people to examine their hearts and their motives about the way they dress. I will definitely be passing the link to this page onto a few people. Thanks.
Well written Amanda. I want to share a situation that occurred last week while we took Jess out to lunch in a fine dining restaurant. There were two men sitting at the table next to us. My three girls were dressed modestly, in skirts longer than the knee, flowing(not tight at all), modest tops that were high in the neck and they still looked wrongly at my girls. The youngest one being ten years old. My husband had not yet arrived and I was so upset I could barely speak. There’s something very wrong and perverted about a grown man looking at young girls like that, especially when they were very modest. I got up to find the manager when they got up and left. It was awful. ((shudder))
In this present world it is sad that men think they can do that and women think that they are portraying their ’strength’ by showing off their skin and curves.
How odd you were asked what cult you were in. I haven’t heard that line before. Have you written anything more detailed about how to respond when people ask questions like that?
By and large I agree with you, and I commend you for your careful writing. However, I’d like to raise two points. First, it seems to be a bit of a caricature to say that feminists all support flaunting one’s sexuality as a form of power. Feminism is a complex movement of many diverging strands. While I know many feminists, I personally don’t know any who would make such an argument, though I understand that they exist. Most of my feminist friends would actually agree with you on at least one point — that women should never be objectified by men OR themselves.
Secondly, I am wary of some Christians’ habit of comparing themselves favorably to Muslims. Now I am a Christian and not a Muslim, and I have my reasons for that. Still, such statements seem more polarizing than gracious. Do you think that contending for truth requires directly opposing other religions? That is a challenging question for me.
I submit these thoughts respectfully as food for thought, and I appreciate all the thought you’ve already put into this matter. Please don’t take my comments as criticism, as I certainly don’t intend them in that way.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Katie! I appreciate the feedback I’ve received for this article.
As for feminists, it is true that not all self-proclaimed feminists are promiscuous and obsessed with their sexual natures. They are still women, both physically and emotionally, and take offense at being portrayed as objects of sensual gratification for men. In fact, feminists are often the first to cry foul over things such as beauty pageants, which some of them have said parade and judge women “like cattle”. But oddly enough, feminism is what has paved the way for women to be exploited (which I will explain in a moment).
“Gentle” feminists probably do not fully realize what philosophy they are actually subscribing to. Feminism was largely promoted in the name of giving women “reproductive rights” so that they could have more freedom (power) in their sexual relationships. They assumed this was achieving equality with men, because after men are involved in affairs, it is sometimes easier for them to “get away with it” because they were not at risk of becoming pregnant. Nowadays, feminism is a driving force behind abortion, birth control and sex education in schools…in fact, now there is even a vaccine offered (and practically forced upon young girls) to prevent the STD cervical cancer. Directly or indirectly, most of these inventions are in some way aimed at giving women omnipotence over their lives, which is what satan originally tempted Eve with in the garden.
As Jennie Chancey pointed out,
“Eve was the first feminist, because the heart of feminism is ‘not what GOD says; what I say’.” (She explained that is really the heart of every “ism” there is).
- http://bit.ly/3W5PFw
I should have explained that most feminists espouse heightened carelessness more so than seductiveness. Feminists basically embrace and encourage the negative feelings that all of us women have in our fallen natures. For instance, I mentioned how it feels “unfair” at first for women to have to be concerned about dressing modestly, while men don’t have to worry that much about the way they dress.
Once a female soccer player jerked her shirt off after a victorious goal, following the tradition of male soccer players. It was a shock, but I remember hearing one woman’s response to the event was something to the effect of,
“I think a woman should be able to take her shirt off whenever she wants to. The men do it all the time!”
That sounds like the feminist view point to me – heightened carelessness towards men, because they firmly believe that men have historically displayed carelessness towards women.
I think that the Cyclical Irony of Feminism could be demonstrated like this (maybe Eric can make a circular graphic for me):
CONFLICT [Recognizing a problem or inconvenience and not understanding how to handle it wisely] ► REBELLION [Against submission, "confines" or "constraints" of family or society as an attempt to fix the problem or inconvenience] ► INDEPENDENCE [Attempting to support oneself omnipotently - regardless of the fact that isn't possible - to gain individuality and choice] ► EXPLOITATION Over-confidence in oneself results in carelessness and shamelessness (such as the view of femininity presented by Demi Moore) and without a healthy sense of shame and fear, many more traps are walked into, which brings us back to ► CONFLICT.
Katie brought up a good point about Christians “comparing themselves favorably to Muslims”. I think there could be problems with this not just regarding Islam, but many other views as well. If we as Christians focus more on being anti-everything-non-Christian instead of presenting the Way, the Truth and the Life, we’ll be a bunch of clanging cymbals again.
No, I don’t think that the case for Christianity requires the bashing of other religions because it is powerful enough in Christ alone (though of course, the truth does need to be spoken and sometimes it hurts at first). Contrasts do help illustrate, and I think that sometimes careful, direct opposition to a philosophy is necessary for explaining that there is a better way. But we do have to be wary of bashing the people – I think that “peaceful” Muslims are much like “gentle” feminists – they don’t realize what heritage they’re subscribed to, and thus don’t know there is a better way (either that or they’re just being quiet about it).
My main intention in bringing up Islam was to provide a vivid contrast that would connect with readers in light of the recent debacle in Iran. I wanted to express the freedom we have in Christ vs. the bondage of those who don’t know Jesus is the Messiah (as a side note, Muslims are really and truly the descendants of Hagar the bond-woman through her son Ishmael).
I think this contrast is also very striking between the nations founded in Islam and America, which was founded in Christianity’s principles of freedom. The U.S. may have strayed from its roots, but that is only because of the lack of responsibility needed for such great freedom. Many Americans have heightened carelessness in regards to national issues.
I hope that explains things better. I might write more if I think of something later.
~Amanda~
Amanda,
I love how completely finished every blog you write is. You are a much more patient blogger than I ever could be.
When thoughts come to your mind you allow them to linger with knowledge, understanding, Biblical worldviews and opinion. While you clearly state your views you don’t stop there.
The facts you give to support your conclusions not only help the reader understand your opinions but they also help readers to look into the topic themselves and to question what are the facts for my beliefs.
Thank you for being such a thorough blogger/ writer. Your work is always worth reading….hmmm, just what our current newspapers need, something worthy of the ink it takes to print.
I had to laugh at your description of the haircut that many little girls of the late 80s/90s had. I, too, had that little Dutch boy hairdo. Why? I can’t remember.
My mom called it a “Dorothy Hammel.” I didn’t know Dorothy, but I thought, “OK.”
I don’t remember liking the haircut. And, I distinctly remember an older man calling me a little boy.
I hated that! And from that point on, I wore dresses every day to kindergarten.
Excellent response to a difficult comment, Amanda. Kudos.